A Letter to the Addict

6 minute read

We are all addicts.

Before you dismiss that, take a moment. Hear me out.

The truth is, addiction isn’t just about substances.

It’s about desire. 

We’re all driven by it. Every action, every choice, is propelled by something we crave. 

Whether it’s food, sex, money, or approval, desire is the force that drives us forward. 

It’s not just about the obvious addictions, the drugs, the alcohol, the vices that take over our lives. 

It’s about the desires that live in the background, guiding us in ways we often don’t see.

Hunger Drives the Hunt

When desire is planted within us, it gives rise to compulsion, this is the driving force that propels us forward.

It starts as a craving, something primal, this focuses our energy and effort towards an outcome, drives us to overcome obstacles and achieve the object of the desire. 

The etymology of desire offers insight: to “await what the stars will bring.”

The word “desire” originates from the Latin, dēsīderāre, meaning “to long for” or “to miss.” composed of two parts: de- meaning “from, down, or away,” and sīder- or sīdus, meaning “star” or “constellation.” 

From beyond, of the father. 

True fulfillment lies beyond the physical. 

The addict understands this. 

While I don’t glamorize chemical addiction, I do know from personal experience that the longing an addict has is just as real as any sober man. 

… and I will give credit to the addict.

He is a professional. 

He has fully surrendered himself to the desire. 

He doesn’t hold back. He is not concerned with what other people think.

He is not afraid to take risks in pursuit of his desire. 

Now, the method may not be healthy… 

But, his relationship to that drive is something most people could benefit from.

There is a negative connotation to “addiction” and while the method may not be healthy, the motivation is pure. 

▪️ Pornography —> Connection

▪️ Drinking —> Relaxation 

▪️ Drugs —> Creativity 

▪️ Gambling —> Profit 

That’s the paradox. 

Addiction, at its core, is dependent seeking.

Go long enough without food, water, connection or even air and see how dependent you really are. 

Watch yourself, you will see how quickly you become consumed by desire.

Look at your waistline, bank account or screen time, surely there is an area that is FAT but NEVER FULL.

As humans, we are consumed by consumption. 

We crave more, more experiences, more validation, more things to fill the hole inside of us. 

But, it’s a spiritual hunger we feel, which is often mistaken for the need to feed our flesh. 

We believe if we just consume more, we’ll be satisfied. But that satisfaction is fleeting, and the cycle repeats itself.

The Paradox 

We seek spiritual fullness, but even that is a paradox. 

Our spirit is already full. 

There cannot be less of something that is always complete. 

God is not fractional, neither is the spirit of God that lives within. 

This is the reason most spiritual seekers practice fasting in some form or another. 

Aside from the physiological benefits, fasting is a conscious act to disconnect from temporal desire. 

• On a micro level fasting illustrates how much we are controlled by compulsion. 

• On a macro level you can see how brief the human experience really is. 

The Budha is often misquoted for saying “Desire is the root of all suffering” but the root of that teaching lies in whether the pursuit of the desire brings suffering or peace.

One path is attached and clings to the object of desire, this creates suffering. 

The other is peacefully in pursuit. 

My Addiction 

There was a chapter in my life when I consumed between 7 and 10 grams of cocaine a day. 

If you’re not familiar with volume, that's quite a bit, easily a $1k+ daily habit. 

The year was 2004, I was a 21 year old frat boy at The University of Arizona, a poor student and an even worse drug dealer because I got high on my own supply.  

The longest bender I went on lasted about a week. 

I turned 21 on the 21st, had a huge party to celebrate, complete with a mountain of cocaine, bottles of champagne, and a photographer to document it all. 

After partying all night I continued for days, snorting coke until both nostrils bled and I passed out from sheer exhaustion. 

But during that week, even while caught in the grip of my addiction, I felt compelled to write. 

No grand plan, just a raw need to put words on the page. 

Hours and hundreds of pages documenting, reflecting and typing with little coherence but a desire to connect with my own thoughts. 

Cocaine wasn’t the purpose; but it did help illuminate the purpose. 

There is always light in the dark. 

It wasn’t long after this I went to rehab. 

I spent a month spent in Yakima, WA at an inpatient facility, which gave me some distance from that life. 

I wish I could tell you that things radically changed after rehab, but my life was still very much driven by unhealthy desire. 

It was no longer cocaine, it shifted towards women, food, money, and shallow pleasures. 

But, the pursuit continued. 

I didn’t know then what I know now, but I was a seeker, searching for a connection that went beyond my physical cravings, a deeper sense of fulfillment that wasn’t dependent on external things.

We are born with a longing, a desire for fullness. 

The problem is, we often look in the wrong places.

Breaking Free from Addiction 

I have no regrets. 

That is a disempowering mindset. 

I do have lots of lessons, lessons that are rich with color, insight, detail, pain and personal experience. 

This personal archive colors my current reality and offers irrefutable evidence helping me make decisions that are aligned with what I ultimately desire.

I wouldn’t change anything. 

But, I did suffer and cause suffering for others for far too long. 

My method was broken.

While I don’t have regrets, I do feel sadness for those I hurt and myself because of the time it took for me to see this. 

I had plenty of help, but if you’ve ever tried to help an addict while they are in “it” you know all too well that they have the potential to pull you under the water as they drown. 

Sadly, it often takes drowning, gasping for air and a desire for breath over death to really shift.

Now, it doesn’t have to be like this, you don’t have to experience ruin to have revelation. 

But, you do need to come to the end of yourself…

Be honest with what you truly desire and take stock of whether or not your method of pursuit is creating problems or peace. 

Here’s what I would say. 

1. No shame, you are a seeker. 

2. What you’re looking for is also looking for you. 

3. If you are suffering, and want to stop, try a different method. 

4. Talk to God. Don’t do it alone. Keep seeking. Don’t give up. 

5. You will find what you’re looking for when you find peace. 

I’m rooting for you.

Much love and many blessings, 

E