#1 Reason Relationships Fail

... and what to do about it

The WHO, HOW and WHY of relationship success.

11 min read

If you’re single, separated or divorced this article is for you….

  • Figure out the WHO and Attract a High Value Partner.

  • The 5x5x5 for dating

  • Master the HOW and Inspire Respect and Admiration.

  • Define the WHY and Ignite Intimacy, Lust, Trust & Desire.

BTW if you haven’t yet be sure to subscribe, I write a weekly newsletter just for men and I’d love to continue the conversation with you.

I reference some content from an Instagram Post that you can view here but to summarize let me present a big idea…

The United States is TOP 10 in the World for Divorce and probably even higher for breakups and separations…

What’s scarier is the more we try to get it right — the worse we do.

While India has a 0.1 per 1,000 divorce rate…

That’s 1 divorce in every 10,000!

I have a theory it’s because 90% of India’s married population is arranged.

Arranged marriages may sound foreign but they actually longest standing way of coupling.

And the reason I believe they work is that outside eyes are part of the decision making process and pair couples based on a wide range of social, culturural and personality based information that is clouded by feeling.

I’m not suggesting you give up your right to choose…

But I am suggesting you become a better dater.

The WHO + HOW = WHY of Relationship Success

Let’s break this down…

There are two WHO’S in a relationship.

The YOU and HER.

Before you start searching for HER you need to know who YOU are.

This comes down to VISION and VALUES.

Where are you going and what is important.

Without clarity on this you’ll choose the wrong partner.

It’s as simple as that.

The second part of the WHO is HER.

Once your have your vision and values clear you need to define the type of partner you’re looking for.

If you’re an entrepreneur or in management more than likely you’ve hired someone for your company [if not I’m sure you’ve been hired at some point].

The process of hiring and interviewing usually goes something like this…

Step 1: Candidate looks at the company culture, reputation, vision, mission and opportunity and applies for position OR company actively searches for ideal candidate through marketing effort.

Step 2: Initial screening process, first impressions and general “how do you do”. Casual but typically an exchange of credentials, resume and company background that allows both parties an opportunity to get to know each other.

The company is assessing the candidate against a predetermined role, responsibility and culture list and the candidate is assessing the company against a predetermined, opportunity, security and culture fit.

Step 3: Initial interview, the company and the candidate set intentional time to assess compatibility.

The company interviews based on the desired outcome [the vision] the expectations [the values] and whether or not the candidate has the skills, aptitude and culture to do the job well.

The candidate is also interviewing based on their preferences , personality and opportunity.

Questions go back and forth and ultimately both sides are deciding: “Is this the right fit?”

A company that knows where it’s going will interview 100’s of candidates for the role because it understands the right person will be a multiplier and the wrong person will cost the company both time and money [and potentially the vision and mission].

It should also be noted that most high level hires go through a vetting process with other members of the leadership team, its rare one person makes a unilateral decision, this is a checks and balance to make sure the culture is protected.

Once the position is filled there is still an interview process, typically a 90 day probationary period where both parties clearly understand, this isn’t permanent yet.

“Hire slow, fire fast”

This is a saying in the entrepreneurship circle that every business owner has experienced at some point.

For those of us that have been in business for awhile we can think of one or two memorable hires that we brought on too quickly because we really “liked them” but they weren’t quite a perfect fit, they became friends and we may have even loved them but over time we realized they just weren’t the person for the role… it’s hard to fire someone you like so it’s best to end quickly when you know they aren’t the right fit.

Mission first my friend.

Makes sense right?

You’re the company.

You must have a VISION and CORE VALUES.

The VICTORIES you stack and share with the world represents your companies culture and whether you’re hiring [single] or not [in relationship] candidates are always assessing you for opportunity, security and culture fit.

If you are in the market for relationship, the same way you would hire based on VISION and VALUES you need to get clear on WHO you are and WHO you want her to be.

Let’s assume you have a clear vision and core values [if you don’t then watch this short video].

Now, lets move on to HER.

I call this the 5x5x5… or the “HER List”

Think of this as a list of non-negotiables, deal breakers and like to haves.

A way to interview effectively and not get caught up in beauty alone.

  1. Purpose first

  2. Principles second

  3. Preferences third

Here’s my current 5x5x5:

5 Non-Negotibles

Number 1: Actively pursuing God.

Number 2: Passion for a healthy lifestyle, physically fit and healthy habits.

Number 3: A growth mindset, committed to personal development and lifetime learning.

Number 4: Generous, nurturing, thoughtful, a genuinely warm and gentle personality.

Number 5: Stimulating conversations.


5 Deal Breakers (Relationship Red Flags)

Number 1: Must be willing to get married & raise a family.

Number 2: No substance abuse issues.

Number 3: Ingratitude, udeness to waitstaff, littering or not returning shopping carts.

Number 4: Lying or dishonesty.

Number 5: Exes still around or poor boundaries with men.


5 Like to Haves

Number 1: Siblings and a great relationship with her family, especially her father or a father figure.

Number 2: A big dog lover who has a female dog who can be Ness’s GF.

Number 3: Long curly hair and athletic body.

Number 4: Lives within 30 minutes of me.

Number 5: Likes classic rock, reading, nerds out about something nerdy.

This is not a comprehensive list but it is a starting point to use in the dating process.

Much like a job description provides guidance for the interviewer I ask questions and seek clarity the same way I would if I were hiring someone.

Without clarity of the WHO the relationship is doomed.

Oh by the way…

“HOT” is not a who.


Men and woman have different needs.They both compliment and challenge each other.

In order to LEAD and LOVE well as a man you need to understand these two needs.

A man’s number one need is to feel respected.

Here’s what that looks like:

  • Respected by his woman, she admires him, follows his leadership, honors him and trusts his decisions.

  • Respected at work, his opinion matters, his team supports him and his vision is trusted in and executed.

  • Respected by other men, he leads well, mentors others and is included or starts movements.


A woman’s number one need is security.

Security for a woman looks like this 

  • I trust in the character, integrity and consistency of him.

  • I respect him because he keeps me physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually safe and he considers what is best for me.

  • I feel safe, seen and supported at all times, no matter how messy I show up.

First, let's begin with the man’s need… 

If a man is NOT feeling respected by his close social circle, his woman, at work or in the world…

It is because he is wanting credit for something that hasn’t been earned…

Somewhere along the way, he dropped the ball in the Respect Formula. 

Here is what the formula looks like…

The short version is this…

Become aware of the problems holding you back, lead yourself, build self respect and create safety and security for your woman.

If you want to go DEEP into a RESPECT TRAINING I wrote a detailed PDF and created a free 10 minute training.

Understand the WHY and Ignite Intimacy, Lust, Trust & Desire.

Unconscious coupling is the #1 reason for breakups and heartache.

This is when one or both parties enter into relationship without knowing WHO they are, what they’re looking for, HOW to lead and love and WHY intentionality matters.

The WHY for most people is loneliness or a superficial accessory based decision like “they’re hot…”

Now, I’m not saying it can’t work…

But if you are single, separated or divorced and haven’t been able to make relationship work than maybe you’re doing it wrong.

There are many relationships that could work but there are only a few that will bring out the best in both you and your partner.

What drives one person crazy might be the exact thing someone else is searching for.

And isn’t that what we all want?

To be in a relationship we’ve been searching for and not settling for?

It’s not ready yet…

But, my partner Josh Lashua, relationship coach and I are about to launch a brand new relationship cohort just for single, separated and divorced men who are going back into the market consciously.

If you want to be the first notified when this goes live just reply to this email or comment below and I’ll add you to a special segment of my list.

Much love and many blessings,



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